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I've been struggling...

to find normalcy...

in everything that I do.

It seems I am haunted by this shadow of pain that follows me everywhere, anywhere.

During the long weekend, I pretended like things were just fine the way they were before she got sick.

I avoided going to the hospital. I know, I was mean to do that. But I just wanted to be as carefree as I could.

I was so happy. I smiled a lot and I laughed a lot too.

But it struck me this morning, as I was on in the train on my way to school, that I can't live with this pretence.

And that was when I broke down and cried.

In the train.

In public.

It's ok... Those people probably thought I just broke up with my boyfriend or something.

I feel like sighing now but I know I shouldn't sigh.

I guess I should live life as it is now.

It is confirmed.

It is lymphoma.

Hodgkin's lymphoma.

My guess was right.

On top of that, she also has:

• bilateral symptomatic effusion (I duno what's that...)



• pneumonia

Not forgetting, she's anaemic. This, the family has known all along.

You know how I finally get to know her diagnosis?

From a piece of paper. Not from the doctors.

They always never tell the patients or the patients' family. What's up with that?

Something so important yet I had to find out from a piece of paper, by chance.

If my sister hadn't demanded to be discharged (she got really depressed staying in the hospital & her depression is making things worse), we wouldn't have gotten the Inpatient Discharge Summary Sheet that contains the above details. And I wouldn't have been able to find out, thanks to the doctors' hesitance to tell us everything.

Why, I don't know. Especially when my parents have been eager to know all about it since my sis' admission.

But right now, although it is clear that she is down with lymphoma & needs to go through chemotheraphy (which will, inevitably, kill the very little amount of healthy red blood cells that she has in her anaemic body; it's catch-22), she is refusing treatment.

She figures she'll suffer if she let it be & she'll suffer if she undergoes the harsh treatment (remember, she has those other ailments too), so she would rather be at home & let it be than stay warded in hospital & witness her skin go black & all her hair fall to the ground & her two already-stick-like arms being poked in different spots everyday.

She is suffering. And so are we.

Quiet at times, perhaps. But usually never a sad person.

Thus, even with all the things that are happening to my family and I, I still try to make myself happy.

It is awkward to be happy in the midst of all these unfortunate events.

Heck, I feel guilty some times for trying to make the situation seem... normal... harmless, as though no adversity had ever befallen upon us.

But I don't want to end up being a weepy person at the end of the day, bitter about everything, angry at all those unsympathetic souls, furious at those who make us suffer.

I don't want to be a vengeful person, bearing a grudge for the ones responsible for these mishaps.

What's wrong with praying to God that those ill-hearted ones will realise that their doings are sinful and that they will repent eventually, if not sooner?

What's wrong with praying to Him that He shines a light into their hearts so that they can see that their doings are hurtful to their own kins and that the punishment for such acts is beyond imagination?

What's wrong with praying that one day they'll be good people?

Apparently, some people feel that one should not be kind to those who are unkind to us.

That we should hope that they get Hell for giving us hell.

But that makes me sad.

And I don't want to be because I don't like to be.

If it was you, how would you feel & what would you do?

It is easier said than done. You probably won't know unless it happens to you.

The year started off with me having diarrhoea.

But how can I compare my diarrhoea to what my sis had to go through?

She had been really sick since September.

And the new year hasn't been kind to her either.

A couple of days into the new year, she got me to bring her to the hospital.

There, the doctor told me that most probably my sis has cancer.

Lymphoma. And it is definitely not Stage 1 cancer.

So, with the new year & start of the new semester, I have a new place to shuffle to almost every day, apart from school & home.

The hospital.

SGH.